Twas brillig and slivy nodes
did gyre and gimble in the screaming panic of sheer terror on the streets of the hive as a dead world bares down on a very aware and not in the slightest bit rational, population.
So Template decides s/he/it needs an engine for the getaway vehicle s/he/it recently learned to drive for the purpose of getting away from the freshly discovered warp bubble our heroes were currently considering for a good old-fashioned rape and pillage and blow-up-whatever-we-find-on-the-other-side mission. So Template and Plug head to the shop for an old broken down engine the acolytes distinctly remembered falling off the back of a truck. The two of them get the engine out of the shop and into the car. Template, forgetting why s/he/it brought Plug along, immediately and deftly puts the engine in the car and tech-knocks it in to perfect working order. As the vehicle purrs like an asthmatic kitten, the two tech-priests get in the car and promptly run over a sweet old lady who had somehow been able to avoid the riots well enough to collect a bag of groceries and hobble her way back home. She successfully rolls out of the way of the vehicles tires, saving her own life, but then breathing in the fumes from the car’s exhaust pipe causes the very recently victorious death-defying lady to die of a writhing and painful cancer not a few minutes later.
Back at the new temple base, Plug puts the finishing touches on the servo-skulls, also giving them the ability to play music appropriate to the situation. A small oily tear runs down the cheek of the skull formerly known as Singed as it realizes that the acolytes are kind of racist for making his skull a suicide bomber.
The acolytes decide to deck the ceiling with bows of razor wire for a lovely touch of which Martha Stewart would have been proud (provided she was preparing for unknown creatures to grow, fly and attack in an enclosed and unfamiliar space). Contrasting with the panic on the streets of London outside, the mood in the temple is nearly festive as grenade charges are placed through out the rooms and doors. The acolytes have gathered several Christmas trees worth of servo skulls, some gunses and a sword for Skoal.
Should the acolytes find themselves in a situation where they’re being chased by an unspeakable horror and not fighting it, (an estimated likelihood of 82.7% at some point or another) several booby traps have been set up in the rooms in addition to the charges, including pointy and ouch-tastic claw arms on either side of the building and rooms which once entered, should swiftly be exited by anyone who decides they don’t want to be swiftly locked in an blowed-up. Even the generator is rigged to blow a festive hole in the floor if necessary.
The acolytes don their halos of no fear and cuteness, when the Hive once again quakes and the warp begins to stir like no mouse ever could. With the car idling outside and wasting precious promethium (but what do our heroes care? They’re rich and this planet is dead to them anyway), the acolytes take their positions. Template at the door to the outside, Octia and Plug near the doors to the rest of the building, Freja and Skoal hanging back because, you know.
Plug pushes the button.
Time and space shift in way that—well you know the feeling. Within the room, the universe expands. The razor wire on the ceiling shatters and tinkles down like bits of tinsel and silver confetti. The millennia-old spirit of Martha Stewart sheds a single tear. Two borg-like alcoves with skeletal and heretical gribblies activating inside them manifest in two corners of the room. The dazzling spectacle fatigues Octia and Plug. Template shrugs and pokes at one of her/his/its own holes, utterly unimpressed. Skoal picks his teeth with his sword, and Freja twittles her thumbs.
The coveted heretech hovers over a levitation platform in the middle of the room, a hexagonal tube. Between it and Template are a set of steps and a pew for kneeling to worship said heretech.
Plug blasts at the gribbly nearest him and rolls the heck out of the room. Octia attempts the same maneuver but actually hits the damn thing. They announce to the group the location of the two monstrosities that want to consume and defile our heroes’ souls (in whichever order is convenient) and instruct Template to hide while the rest of us distract and hopefully kill the danged things.
Not understanding the meaning of “hide” Template rushes up the steps, the theme from Rocky blasting out his sweet 6 speaker system. He ducks behind the pew for half-cover. The Guardians somehow notice this and one, Guardian Quincible, blasts plasma straight at the damned fool. Lady luck giggles seductively and the plasma just barely misses Template. Then Guardian Senor Gruesome advances toward Template until there is but a lighting arc generator between the two of them. Skoal rushes in after Senor Gruesome and misses miserably. Freja runs to the door to check out the newly expanded room and admires the new architecture.
“Ride of the Valkyries” plays as the servo skulls make their awesome flying entrance. Plug sends one to attack Quincible and misses. Octia reenters the rooma and aims two shotguns at Senor Gruesome. Lady Luck licks her lips as one shotgun hits, and the other jams.
Template lays back and waits for Sr. Gruesome to come into her/his/its line of sight, gun on semi-automatic.
The servo skull music changes to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and the Guardian Quincible will have none of it. He blows one of the C4 stuffed skulls with ease. Michael Bay’s memory curses fervently as the skull does not explode epically, but instead turns to ash and sprinkles its way to the floor.
As Sr. Gruesome makes a run for it, Template hits him in the gonads (which happen to be in the guardian’s right arm).
Freja attempts to inflict pain on Quincible. She end up doing something like shouting “wee-woo-wee-woo-wee” and nothing happens.
Octia paints the floor with a laser and then shoots Quincible nicely. Plug sends the servo skull formerly known as Singed, frag grenade inside, to blow up Quincible. It works! Then, Terminator style, Quincible rises from the explosion.
Template shoot Sr. Gruesome again with two blasts. Quincible runs at Freja and attempts to turn her into coleslaw, but mis-estimates and just ends up waving his scythes as impotently as a guardian can without being disabled or suffering Mehanictile Dysfunction.
Sr. Gruesome attacks Skoal, but misses through the tears in his eyes, remembering a time and a place long ago when Sr. Gruesome knew real love. Skoal counter attacks and Sr. Gruesome parries with what turns out to be a power weapon.
Freja compels Quincible to follow her. Her first success of the night is short-lived as the Lady Luck goes to fetch some lubricant and Freja’s spell knocks herself unconscious. Lady Luck returns and allows this whole thing to happen near enough to a Heywire grenade allowing it to go off, knock out Quincible and create a mechanical dead zone around the two bodies.
Plug proceeds to empty his gun into the prone Quincible. Octia likes this and attempts the same, only to have a 2nd gun jam.
Template hits but his ammo bounces off Sr. Gruesome. Plug fires more into Quincible. Octia runs closer and whips out two pistols, then pumps that Quincible sucker fulla lead. Template loads a Haywire grenade into his happy-fun-time launcher and takes out Sr. Gruesome for a little while with another dead zone.
Freja begins to snore. Plug knocks one of Octia’s shot guns back to life, shoots at Quincible and misses. Octia shoots, hits and does no damage to the now re-animating Quincible. The guardian then lunges at Plug and misses as Lady Luck does some cocaine. Skoal looks upon the knocked out body Sr. Gruesome and raises his eyebrows at the helpless target. He then attempts to eviscerate a creature with no determinable viscera The booming voice of God complains loudly to the chamber “Why is no one dead yet?!” Interobang. Freja starts to drool and grind her teeth.
Sr. Gruesome rises and Skoal is now peeved that his target is no longer helpless. “I hit you with a sword” he remarks, and kills Sr. Gruesome in two blows.
Plug aims are ferric lure into the now-standing Quincible’s innards. It makes the guardian fall to one knee. Octia hits the bastard twice but her gun only lightly peppers Quincible and does no actual damage. Quincible decides he isn’t here to make friends, and scythes off one of Plug’s arms below the elbow. Plug finishes the job by killing off Quincible. Octia insists Plug unjam her other shotgun before that happens. Freja dreams about chasing cars.
The battle finished Template and Plug harvest the power scythes. Freja wakes up and asks for a snack. Everyone looks at the floating hexitube. Plug sends a camera to fly over it, and the camera bounces off the electrical barrier. Template hacks the cogitators which had also appeared when the room expanded and finds the way to deactivate the force field. After half an hour of chanting and litany from the two tech priests, they finally press the sacred “off” button. The hexitube falls to the ground. After some more hacky-hacky, the acolytes learn that this is an alien-tech device that creates an anti-warp bubble and has something to do with Thool. The way to activate it involves a litany plus unguent.
“So we’re supposed to throw this into the eye of some vortex?” asks Freja.
“Whatever that means.” Octia replies.
The Hive quakes and Freja detects a vortex forming in the warp, but decides that couldn’t possibly be related to the task at hand. However, she does notice hundreds of thousands of demons swarming in her inner vision and that freaks her the f*** out. She then loses it. And by “it” I of course mean self-restraint and control of bowels.
The acolytes pile into the car, but instead of blowing the damned heretical temple into oblivion, Plug changes his mind at the last minute and decides to just seal it off forever. Freja is disappointed as she wanted to push the kablooey button.
Tune in next week, for the exciting conclusion of “Acolytes know Best”